Frauds and scamsters around the world, also known as sovereign governments, are shocked to find that millions of Indians look like Narendra Modi after the personal data of Indians vaccinated in the country leak online. The leaks further show that hundreds of Congress MPs share the same email ID (helpussonia@inc.net), that Shashi Tharoor has 193 mobile numbers (one for each UN member state), and that Mallikarjun Kharge takes a booster dose every time he meets Rahul Gandhi (for fear of catching foreign strains).
Meanwhile, overseas citizens who had availed vaccines made in India have been assured by the Centre that their data have not been leaked, since they were handed over securely in realtime to Adani Enterprises.
Elsewhere, former Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey confirms that “certain forces in India” had threatened to raid Twitter offices in the country if the company failed to ensure that the only person reading Subramanian Swamy’s tweets was Subramanian Swamy.
Wondering what else happened while your parents raided your bedroom in search of a spare charger only to find what charges you up instead? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
June 12
Virat Kohli has supposedly hired a team of 18 philosophy graduates to help him build an arsenal of motivational quotes
- According to insider reports from ESPN Cricinfo, a disgruntled Virat Kohli, who has accumulated more quotes than runs this month, has told his Indian teammates that should Sunil Gavaksar criticise him again on air, Kohli will quit Test cricket and become a part-time motivational speaker on Instagram.
- Kylian Mbappe assures Paris Saint-Germain (PSG) that he is staying put after sending Real Madrid a list of non-negotiables for his transfer. These include an ironclad clause that prevents him from passing the ball in the opponent’s penalty box, a guarantee that he will use the same set of post-match recovery towels that were used by Cristiano Ronaldo at Real, and a video shoot where every current Real player claims on camera that he is better than Erling Haaland.
June 13
Labour politicians have told Boris Johnson that the only dish he can expect to have in Parliament is humble pie
- Boris Johnson resigns as a Member of Parliament in the UK after learning that wine and cheese are no longer part of the menu at the Palace of Westminster.
- In a bid to replenish the supply of positive op-eds from the New York Times, Ukraine has launched a counteroffensive against Russia for the 75th time this year, with the additional hope that this will last long enough for every member of the US Congress to retweet the news.
June 14
Donald Trump is willing to confess to crimes in US states where he has not yet been indicted to boost his chances of becoming President once more
- Donald Trump lands in Miami to be arraigned on charges of mistaking State documents for gossip magazines and taking them to his private residence and golf club. With Trump followers celebrating the occasion as a photo-op with the police, Trump tells his strategy team “to plan my presidential campaign for 2024 through a series of arraignments in every major State of the US”.
- Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who spent decades deciding whether to be a politician or a playboy, had prepared his own obituary, parts of which are published in the aftermath of his demise. An excerpt reads: “I’m proud to have been the most recognisable Italian since Benito Mussolini, to have broken more hearts than laws, and to have proven to the people of Italy that you can get away with anything in life as long as you own a football team.”
June 15
Smriti Irani says that she felt “heckled” by the journalist in question because he uttered the word “Amethi” five times in one minute
- A journalist from a “reputable Hindi publication” (no publication has identified itself after hearing those words) has been detained by police after heckling Smriti Irani. He will be free to leave as soon as he finishes watching every single episode of Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi on his mobile phone.
- To support its delivery personnel through the oppressive summer heat, Zomato will be setting up resting points at various corners of cities, starting with Bengaluru. Customers will be able to track the time spent by delivery agents at these points and tip them accordingly.
June 16
On why her fans should be excited about her latest work, Tamannaah Bhatia says: “Because I’ll finally get to speak on screen for more than 10 seconds at a time.”
- Tired of being questioned about her apparent relationship with Vijay Varma, Tamannaah Bhatia lashes out at the paparazzi: “Unlike others, I don’t need to date someone to promote my OTT releases.”
- The RSS has reached out to cinema halls across India to ensure that at least 25 to 30 seats are left empty for every single screening of Adipurush in order to spiritually accommodate the Vanar Sena.
