Bengalis who queue up to leave Kolkata during the rest of the year rush to return to the City of Joy as their week of cultural remembrance, also known as Durga Puja, begins. In a new initiative by the Government of West Bengal for 2022, those who end up visiting more pandals than restaurants during Puja will be given fresh footwear alongside stale goodies from UNESCO.
Meanwhile, the Association of Progressive Bengali Shona Babus with PhDs (APBSBP) has started a campaign demanding men play an active role during Sindur Khela, which has been endorsed by most women with the condition that men will also have to play an active role during preparations for Sandhi puja and bhog.
Elsewhere, several puja committees have set up PDA corners next to pandals where lovebirds can click 600 selfies for Instagram without being shoved extra hard by single pandal hoppers. In keeping with the spirit of a couple-friendly puja, Tinder has launched a special feature called “Char Diner Prem”, which helps you match with the cute neighbour you only get to see during pushpanjali on Ashtami.
Wondering what else happened while you undertook your annual lesson in patience, tenacity and endurance by standing with your non-existent partner in Sreebhumi’s Puja line? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
September 26
Following her actions, Deepti Sharma has been barred from indulging in English habits like drinking tea, watching horse racing and being a hypocrite on English soil
BCCI- Deepti Sharma, whose mankading outraged male English cricketers of all moralities and ages, opens up on why she dismissed Charlotte Dean in keeping with the rules of the game: “It was revenge for Tipu’s run out in Lagaan.”
- In another instance of sweet revenge, NASA successfully strikes an asteroid and calls it “vengeance for dinosaurs”.
September 27
“Your tears are more effective than your backhand,” Djokovic is believed to have told Federer following the latter’s retirement
Wimbledon- In light of Roger Federer’s emotional retirement, Novak Djokovic realises that his tear glands are to blame for him not being recognised as the GOAT on Twitter.
- Magnus Carlsen, the world’s latest crusader against cheating, confirms that he has deleted all Maroon 5 songs from his playlist.
September 28
The Supreme Court agrees to hear pleas against the abrogation of Article 370 once it attains a viewership of at least 10 million on YouTube
TT archives- A court uses #slowjustice, #nojustice and #quidproquo alongside guaranteeing temporary legal immunity for subscribers to help trend videos of its proceedings on YouTube.
- A pain-mapping exercise across India reveals some interesting statistics. First, around 62 per cent of Indian middle-aged men experience the most pain when they find out about the CTC of their crush from school. Second, almost 80 per cent of urban Indians between the ages of 15 and 25 are most hurt when their Snapchat streak is broken. Third, 100 per cent of Indian women reach their pain threshold when they are instructed on what should and should not cause them pain.
September 29
Xi Jinping wonders who would be smart enough to mount a coup against him given his track-record of appointing only stupid and obedient underlings
TT archives- Xi Jinping puts his closest aides in the Chinese government on high alert after hearing of an impending coup against him from classified information sourced by Chinese smartphone companies through the WhatsApp chats of Indian uncles.
- In Italy, congratulations pour in for new Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni for successfully breaking fascism’s gender glass ceiling. Over in France, Marine Le Pen, who could have made history instead of Meloni, rues her decision to choose cats over fascists.
September 30
Ana de Armas says she was “surprised to know that Americans love Marilyn Monroe more than guns and apple pie combined”
Unsplash- Ana de Armas, who plays Marilyn Monroe in Blonde, says that her toughest challenge in the film was not to look like Marilyn, as “people remembered her dresses much more than her face”. Instead, the Cuban actress found it hardest to keep crying in every third scene of Blonde, admitting to have shed more tears than “I did after learning about my screentime in the last Bond film”.
- After hearing news of Tom Hanks’s debut novel, whose premise has already impressed critics more than this last three films, an inspired Aamir Khan starts taking creative writing classes.
