With his latest X-treme measure, Elon Musk is one step closer to building his dream Nothing App, where human beings can waste all their time when on Musk’s version of China, also known as Mars. With Twitter officially making way for X, incels, politicians, generalists and verbal gymnasts from across the planet pay homage to Larry, the bird, the only endangered species whose death has impacted humanity this century.
Meanwhile, apart from the name change, X is set to introduce several X-tra features: X-pose, where users can pay $1 every day to get trolled by a bot of their choice; X-pand, where users can pay $1 every day to get Musk and his friends (other X-men) to follow them; X-cite, where users can pay $1 every day to find the most hateful news on their feed; and X-ist, where users must pay $1 every day (irrespective of other X-penses) just to make their thumbs reach 10,000 scrolls.
Elsewhere, Threads users who are sharing their threading on Instagram so that their Threads followers can get to read their thoughts, shut down their Twitter accounts, since they do not believe in borrowing from an X.
Wondering what else happened while you borrowed more self-doubt from your (e)X without even being on Twitter? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
July 24
The ruling party has promised that its senior leadership will visit Manipur once adequate mainstream media personnel go there first
TT archives- After months of activists from the Northeast crying hoarse, the BJP finally agrees with them about how INDIA only pretends to care about Manipur.
- India’s metropolitan uncles, who are fine with sacred texts being associated with the atom bomb but not lovemaking, oddly relate to Ken in Barbie on realising that he, too, is missing a pair of the same things.
July 25
Pedro Sanchez, Spain’s current Prime Minister, believes his party would have won the polls had he attended the Wimbledon men’s singles final
- The latest parliamentary elections in Spain, which took place with a fraction of the security measures required for El Clasico, fail to produce a decisive winner, as voters still cannot stop thinking about Carlos Alcaraz.
- As the civil war in Sudan crosses 100 days, international media outlets briefly turn to Khartoum to illustrate “the lessons that the world must learn from Sudan to save Ukraine”.
July 26
Xi Jinping will select China’s new foreign minister from a group of 81 candidates, based on who makes the least eye contact with him
TT archives- Chinese foreign minister Qin Gang has been removed from office, as China’s everything minister, Xi Jinping, got tired of scolding the same face for 207 days.
- Web developers in the US working on a search engine that can produce outcomes by detecting the thoughts of users have abandoned the project after a sample run among the coders themselves saw 90 per cent of the results directed to a single hub.
July 27
‘Eat up all you can, but don’t drink. I’m there to quench your thirst,’ smirks Ranveer Singh
TT archives- Ahead of the release of Rocky Aur Rani Ki Prem Kahani, Ranveer Singh announces that “the biggest masala entertainer of the year will have six separate intervals to allow audiences to curate and consume a full-course meal and enhance their theatrical experience”.
- Demand for shared flats among single Indian friends goes through the roof after Netflix puts an end to password sharing across multiple households.
July 28
Harmanpreet Kaur is scheduled to meet Virat Kohli to better understand how to be aggressive on camera
TT archives- Harmanpreet Kaur, who suddenly hates the Bangladeshis more than the home minister, will be punished by both the ICC and the BCCI for “displaying totally unacceptable and aggressive behaviour on the field that was not fit enough to spawn a single meme”.
- Al Hilal have offered to sign Kylian Mbappe with the incentive of making him a member of the Saudi royal family. Should Mbappe accept, he would not have to worry about training, having a bank account or listening to Emmanuel Macron.
