A young couple. Say in their mid-20s. One’s career is going places, but not quick enough. The other’s career rocketed because of the difficult choices they made. They are at a crossroads. A commitment is needed. One’s ready to sacrifice aspirations. The other will also need to let go of what they had thought their life would have, but is no longer guaranteed. A familiar fear lurks. Will all this be worth it in the long run?
A national tennis championship doubles semi-final match. It is also the de-facto selection camp for the Asian Games in another month. Player A knows their partner Player B is having an absolute shocker. Player A is playing amazing tennis and has not dropped a service game yet. Player A thinks: ‘I can continue to play amazing and guarantee my selection, but probably lose the match. Or I can give up my strong points to help out my partner and have a fighting chance in the match, but maybe end up not looking as good as I do now.’
The outcomes in both scenarios hinge to a great degree on a person’s willingness to ‘sacrifice’. Which road would you, my dear reader, take?
The dramatic cousin of choice
William Glasser made the argument that all choices are made to satisfy fundamental basic needs
I look at sacrifice differently. I think of it as giving up certainties in the search for desired uncertainties.
It is after all a choice and like most choices, it comes down to costs and benefits. We glorify sacrifice because we think the specific choice leading to the ‘sacrifice’ will yield great benefit or cost us greatly. But human choice is not that complicated. We just make it so (including myself in this ‘we’, mea culpa). Let’s look at the psychology behind it.
Choice theory is the study of how humans make decisions. The term was coined by William Glasser. He made the argument that all choices are made to satisfy fundamental basic needs, which can be separated into two categories. First, survival, love and belonging. Second, power, freedom and fun. For example, a player cannot decide whether to stay at a club or accept a transfer to another club. Both options have benefits, but like in most things in life, there are no guarantees. In this scenario, the player will approach the choice from the perspective of ‘survival’ and then ‘belonging’ before moving on to ‘fun’ from the choice and its outcome. This fundamentally allows the player to acknowledge all the different levels in their decision-making. Now, consider ‘survival’, ‘power’ and ‘love’ — all primed and deep emotions — turning the illusion of a conflicting choice into what we call a ‘sacrifice’.
Thankfully, we often do not have to make such complicated decisions. Choosing to buy 1 kg of tomato over 1.5 kg is not that significant. Another line of psychological theory is rational choice theory, which says individuals choose the option that maximises their interests or provides them with the highest utility or benefits in the short and long term. But all this seems simple and common sensical. Where does sacrifice come in amid all this?
The origin of sacrifice
Sacrifice arises when the choices we have are equally attractive
ShutterstockSacrifice arises when the choices we have are equally attractive. Through rational choices or the two groups of choices, we rely on organised choices. These are the ones we are familiar with, the tried and tested ones, the ones that have worked for us before. For example, I know what I will do if I have to choose between playing cricket or having lunch on time (play cricket obviously!). But if we do not have an organised choice available immediately or if the choices do not work, we have to reorganise our choices. This creates the illusion of sacrifice. Imagine if I have to choose between playing cricket or having a biryani lunch with friends. Now, that would make me feel like I have to sacrifice something or actively engage in reorganising my choices to make a good one.
So when you feel like you have to sacrifice something, think about what ‘certainty’ or ‘pakka thing’ you have to give up for the search of what ‘uncertain’ desires you want to chase. Usually, it is not heroic, and never really moronic. But every now and then, it is a cognitive error. If you’re still confused, write to mykolkata@telegraphindia.com, maybe we can see if it is a ‘sacrifice’ after all.
Dr Sahen Gupta is a Kolkata-born, India- and UK-based psychologist who divides his time between mental health support and high-performance coaching. As the founder of Discovery Sport & Performance Lab, he works not only with Olympians and other top-level sportspersons, but also with CEOs and other professionals striving for excellence. Dr Gupta’s mission is to simplify complexities of the mind into actionable and simple ‘doables’ that allow individuals to be mentally fit.
