Katrina Kaif, Vivek Ramaswamy and Novak Djokovic headline the week that should have been

The temple of politics, also known as Ayodhya, is buzzing with the who’s who of India ahead of the greatest demolition in the city since December 6, 1992. Unlike more than three decades ago, this demolition will involve neither axes nor hammers but crackers and cameras. Instead of mud and chalk being reduced to dust, what will crumble is the edifice that has united more Indians than biryani, cricket and discounts (hint: think of the Congress’s second-favourite S word after Sonia).

Meanwhile, the Centre is set to issue plastic bags bearing the image of the Prime Minister in an attempt to promote sustainability. Just like other things associated with the face of the nation, the idea is that plastic in these bags will break down in record time, disappearing fully from the environment before Rahul Gandhi disappears from politics.

Elsewhere, white-collar workers in India have started a travel trend called “brain vacation”, wherein they spend a weekend at their nearest beach without using corporate lingo.

Wondering what else happened as you found out that your most frequently used words in work emails are ‘please’ and ‘sorry’? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

January 15

South African politicians are currently debating whether it is worth standing up for Palestine if it means losing access to all Marvel content

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• Israel responds to being dragged to the International Court of Just Words (ICJW) by South Africa on the charges of “genocide in Gaza” by urging the US to stop broadcasting American entertainment in the rainbow nation.

• As per the worldwide mood market, Microsoft has overtaken Apple to become the world’s most overrated company.

January 16

“Virat [Kohli] has set me a target of 40 Grand Slams and I have challenged him to get 150 international centuries,” shares Novak Djokovic

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• Novak Djokovic, who is intent on playing every sport known to humankind during the Australian Open this year, reveals what he and Virat Kohli discuss on Instagram: “We exchange regular updates about each other’s body fat percentages alongside conversations about consuming the right amount of clean air, the healthiest posture during excretion and the number of burpees required every day to play until 60.”

• Lionel Messi beats Erling Haaland to win FIFA’s “The Best Boy” award after coaches and captains voting for the prize cannot get over his performance in Netflix’s Captains of the World.

January 17

“I’m delighted to end my campaign as the most popular Vivek in the world,” says Vivek Ramaswamy

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• Vivek Ramaswamy, the Indian-American entrepreneur who sells confidence, drops out of the US presidential race on realising that he has accumulated enough portrait photos and magazine interviews to boast to his relatives for the rest of his life.

• Fifteen Bigg Boss fanatics are set to receive a golden opportunity to enter a special corner of the Bigg Boss house and watch their favourite show on a TV screen bigger than their living rooms.

January 18

Every viewer of ‘Fighter’ in cinemas must bring a Tricolour with them in order to watch the film

• Following the release of the 30-minute trailer of Fighter, where Hrithik Roshan seems to hate Pakistan more than Kangana Ranaut, director Siddharth Anand announces that the film will provide an “outstanding viewing experience”, not least because the national anthem plays at six different points in the movie.

• A disinformation survey called the “Fake in India” report illustrates the five most likely sources of online lies for urban Indians — extended family WhatsApp group(s), shipping emails from Amazon, reviews on IMDb, Shaadi.com and one’s own LinkedIn profile.

January 19

“I’m glad to have done a film where I have more lines than action stunts or dance numbers,” admits Katrina Kaif about ‘Merry Christmas’

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• Delighted to finally have a male co-star who does not interrupt her during promotional interviews, Katrina Kaif provides a generous explanation for the success of Merry Christmas: “The film has done so well because Vijay [Sethupathi] has eyes that are more eloquent than my Hindi.”

• Having watched Animal 105 times, Anurag Kashyap hails Sandeep Reddy Vanga’s latest as a ‘gamechanger’ for Hindi cinema, as it has “dared to pioneer the genre of violence for violence’s sake, where brutality has finally been set free from logic.”