Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
After months of debating over words considered far more precious than human lives, the UN Security Council eventually demands an immediate ceasefire in Gaza. Despite the US abstaining, due to ‘ceasefire’ being preferred over “a pause in Hamas-induced conflicts”, the UN’s firm stance has had its desired results. Within 48 hours of the ceasefire vote, the UN has received more than 500 unpaid internship applications from Ivy League students while registering a 35 per cent growth on its TikTok channel.
Meanwhile, a widely shared list of the world’s richest billionaires compiled by Cash and Burn shows a positive relationship between the disproportionate increase in one’s wealth and one’s ambit of philanthropic activities. Mumbai tops Asia’s rich list with 115 billionaires (not including Bollywood celebrities whose liquid assets are in weed), which is about one billionaire for every 20 slums in the city.
Elsewhere, Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos sign a non-aggression pact, promising to not manipulate the stocks of each other’s companies in the race to become Earth’s first trillionaire.
Wondering what else happened as you waited for someone to put together a list of the “most broke”? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
March 25
Donald Trump is appalled to find out that there is no provision to order burgers in Indian prisons
TT archives- Donald Trump has reached out to high-level bureaucrats in the Delhi government and is ready to pay “whatever it takes” to understand how to “run things from prison”.
- Having auditioned for the role she was born to play for more than a decade, Kangana Ranaut has finally been selected as the leading lady for Chunav 2024. As part of this latest series, Ranaut will be seen as an outspoken politician for three months, who fights tooth and nail to earn the right to keep shut in Parliament for five years.
March 26
Anant Ambani is adamant that the animals at Vantara will not be transferred anywhere, since he cannot endure separation from his ‘pets’
TT archives- In light of a detailed investigation into Vantara by a magazine that will soon start paying more to lawyers than reporters, Anant Ambani makes a shocking confession. According to him, the thousands of animals who were ‘rescued’ without their consent, much like Bollywood heroines, were brought to Vantara to help solve his loneliness.
- Shortly after getting rid of its green shirts policy, Zomato announces that its new fleet of “pure veg” delivery boys will bring food to customers wearing white shirts and khaki shorts.
March 27
Apple discloses that 60 per cent of its executive team uses Android as “proof of not cornering the market”
TT archives- Apple counters severe allegations of being a “monopolist in the smartphone market” by citing all its employees in China it is forced to underpay as part of “cutting costs to keep up with competition”.
- Instagram, where the birth of a political ideology is only a cute carousel away, decides to limit political content after belatedly realising that it “doesn’t gel well with the trending music on the platform”.
March 28
Hardik Pandya has also excused himself from the next few MI games due to “neuron fatigue”
TT archives- Hardik Pandya quits social media as well as the captaincy of the Mumbai Indians (MI) thanks to the Rohit Sharma Fan Army (RSFA), which spams every anti-Pandya post liked by Ritika Sajdeh.
- Indian start-up founders in New York, who are found more often in gyms than in offices, stop complaining about New York’s skyscraper-esque tax rates on learning that adultery may soon be legal in the state.
March 29
Tabu found her role in ‘Crew’ to be “really challenging” because she could not find a single Indian air hostess above 50 to talk to
TT archives- Following the release of Crew (which has already been banned from being shown on flights in the future), Tabu reveals that the cast prepared for playing chaotic, unruly air hostesses by travelling SpiceJet for six months.
- Tired of unproven youngsters eating into the time he has allotted for reading French film critics, Anurag Kashyap announces his rate chart for those wanting to meet him. A selfie and a one-minute conversation with Kashyap will cost Rs 5 lakh, while at the price of Rs 10 lakh per minute, Kashyap can teach any north Indian how to make a niche slang go viral. For students fresh out of film school, Kashyap’s masterclass on how to give compelling interviews can be availed of by signing up for a lifetime of debt. Considerable discounts will be offered to anyone who can prove to have seen all of Bombay Velvet.
