Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi

Since July 2000, the “Ba” of all never-ending soaps (the Wikipedia translation of which reads “Because a Mother-in-Law was once a Daughter-in-Law too”), had kept the nation busy, four days a week. From day one, Ekta Kapoor’s Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi struck a chord with the audience, making every character “iconic” and “inspirational”, as an entire nation followed the trials and tribulations of the Viraanis with unflinching interest. Mihir became the ideal son, Ba the septuagenarian every household identified with and Tulsi the long-suffering, yet resilient woman every bahu aspired to be. The saas plotted against the bahu, the bahu bitched about the saas, brother was up against brother and the deluge of weddings, funerals, births and deaths flooded out the TRP charts.

It remained this way till mid-2007, when the interest, much to the relief of feminists and progressives, began to flinch. Since then, like Smriti Iraani’s straining waistline, Kyunki has rolled downhill. One thousand eight hundred and eighteen nights and countless generation leaps later, in the TVR ratings conducted by TAM for the week ending October 4, 2008 Kyunki did not feature in the top 10 primetime evening programmes. Eight long years have also meant numerous recourses to the favourite Kyunki plot point — plastic surgery — whenever an actor has decided to leave. At last count, 11 characters in Kyunki had been played by more than one actor, with no less than three actors playing Mihir in eight years.

Before things get more senseless and the TRPs dip further, we recommend a happy all’s-well-that-ends-well exit for Kyunki. “One big happy family can be shown standing around Ba as she blows out 250 candles on her birthday cake!”' suggests PR executive Soma Banerjee.

The Bold and the Beautiful

We give up. And we suggest you do too. Because there is no evidence that the Forrester women, present or past, and possibly future, will ever give up. Nor, of course, will the men. For almost two decades we have been passive observers while Brooke and, more recently, Taylor, have together worked their way through three generations of men on the show. Yes, that’s right, three generations. In the episodes running currently in the US, Taylor is about to be married to Rick, Brooke’s son with Eric. She has in the past been married to Ridge, who has been Rick’s step-father. She has been involved with Thorne, Ridge’s brother. She has been involved with Brooke’s brother and father. Then of course there is Brooke. She has been in love with Ridge for years, has married him innumerable times, though that didn’t stop her from marrying Eric, Ridge’s father, or Thorne, his brother. She subsequently had a relationship with one of her daughter’s husbands and got married to the same daughter’s second husband, Nick. Nick, of course, also married Taylor at some point, and had an affair with Brooke’s sister Katie.

Stop, PLEASE!

The Raymond ad

The complete man is now a complete bore. Over the years, we have all loved the ad of a strapping young man being paid a visit by his schoolteacher on his wedding day, the groom breaking into Aaj kal tere mere pyaar ke charche for his bride or a father turning into a child in the company of his little daughter, but the later Raymond ads don’t quite match up, one of which is even a direct copy from a scene of the Richard Gere-Susan Sarandon starrer Shall We Dance. We suggest a smarter ad campaign and a different advertising line. “Women realised a long time ago that there is nothing called ‘the complete man’. Raymond should realise it too,” laughs bank executive Tara Banerjee. Maybe it’s time to have a woman in those suit-lengths?

Boogie-Woogie

The audience, fists clenched, breaking into a “boo” to announce a commercial break. Javed Jaaferi showing off his trademark dance steps at the beginning and end of every episode. Co-producers Naved Jaffrey and Ravi Behl engaging in friendly banter. Participants — mothers, fathers, grandparents and kids, uncles and aunties — following their dance moves on stage with cheeky answers to cheeky questions. Obese women in the audience breaking into a jig. Boogie-Woogie has been on air since 1998, making it the longest-running dance show on Indian television, but without one being able to distinguish one episode from another. Even the theme song (the rather strange sounding but catchy “Boo boo boo boogie-woogie”) has remained unchanged. As have Naved’s PJs. Time for a long-delayed burial? Go out with a bang, Boogie-Woogie. Boo!

The Great Indian Laughter Challenge

Question: What is worse than Navjot Singh Sidhu cracking PJs in the cricket commentary box?

Answer: Sidhu cracking PJs as a judge on The Great Indian Laughter Challenge. That perhaps is the overriding reason why the stand-up comedy show, four seasons old, should finally sit down. Most of the jokes now sound pretty much the same and the antics of some contestants get on your nerves. Not to mention Sidhu’s exaggerated laughter, especially when he has Shekhar Suman or Shatrughan Sinha sitting next to him. There should also be a strategy to stop more Ahsaan Qureshis finding their way into subsequent seasons of Bigg Boss. But not before a final season in which Sidhu, Shatrughan Sinha and Shekhar Suman compete with each other. The man with the worst jokes gets the prize.

CID

Another Sony series which took its first step as far back as 1998 enjoys a primetime slot on Friday evenings, with a TVR of 1.62, just second to Indian Idol’s 2.09, according to TAM ratings for the week ending October 4, 2008. An hour long capsule in which a team of investigating officers headed by the redoubtable ACP Pradyuman risks their lives and reputations to solve criminal cases, CID has had an eventful 10 years. Though a tad amateurish in look and production values sometimes, CID has its own following, with its serious air, engagement with the nicer points of forensic science and criminal psychology and the unshakeable dignity of the hawk-eyed Pradyuman.

But everything ages. Especially a TV programme, if it’s been around for a decade. “Some of the recent episodes seem repetitive with the plot and situations reminding one of previous cases,” says homemaker Neha Jaiswal. ACP Pradyuman and his good men and women should move on, before the deja vu feeling sets in firm. “The last episode should be ACP Pradyuman’s swansong, in which a shut case from the past reappears. The ACP retires after solving the case, handing over his responsibilities to his juniors,” says sales executive Ayushman Mitra, an ardent CID fan.

Krishi Darshan

Remember that agonising half-hour on Doordarshan when a couple of pot-bellied men, in the 60-75 age bracket, would sit around a table discussing crops and fertilisers? Then people stopped watching DD. But for all those who thought that Krishi Darshan had died a natural death, there’s news. The show is alive and well and still maintains its primetime slot on Doordarshan, albeit in a snazzier avatar. There are the crops, the fertilisers and the pot-bellied men all right, but the revamped Krishi Darshan is also about success stories of farmers around the country, a quiz on agriculture and even a live phone-in programme! Sure it’s meant to do good, but the only problem is that no one used to watch it then and no one watches it now. Surely farmers — rich or poor — have better things to do.

We recommend handing over a Lifetime Achievement award to Krishi Darshan and allowing it to rest in peace. “The last episode can have Mayawati and Mamata Banerjee debating farmer welfare,” says advertising executive Jai Bhargav. The just-out-of-hospital Amitabh Bachchan can make a special appearance.

Anu Malik as Indian Idol judge

“Tum gaa nahin sakte ho. Tum kya sochke Indian Idol mein aaye ho?” Or, “Tum humein torture kyon kar rahe ho apne gaane se?”, Or, “Mera naam Anu Malik hai. I am the man behind the careers of so many top Bollywood singers.” Indian television’s wannabe Simon Cowell is unwatchable at his best and we hope we have already seen the worst. Rude, obnoxious, bordering on the abusive, Anu Malik has been around for four editions of Indian Idol and gets worse with each season. We hate him when he goes hammer and tongs at the soft-spoken Sonali Bendre. He breaks into “Ek garam chai ki pyali ho”(Malik sang and composed this song picturised on Salman Khan — something he never lets us forget) at the drop of a saucer. “Indian Idol should retire Anu Malik and get people like Vishal-Shekhar on board. Unlike Anu, they are straightforward but not rude,” says college student Rohan Roy, 22. So long Anu Malik. Can’t even say it was nice knowing you.

R.I.P. Kahaani Ghar Ghar Kii...

Started: October 9, 2000

Ended: October 9, 2008

What it was about: The Agarwal family headed by eldest brother Om Agarwal. Om’s wife Parvati was the protagonist — an ideal bahu, wife and mother who holds the family together and single-handedly solves all their problems. The epitome of love, sacrifice and suffering, Parvati was popular but unlike Kyunki’s Tulsi, wasn’t “iconic”.

Plus: A by and large credible storyline and identifiable characters. Unlike Tulsi, Parvati, played by Saakshi Tanwar, was human and vulnerable and that endeared her to viewers. Kahaani was reportedly one of producer Ekta Kapoor’s favourite soaps.

Minus: Repetitive plot points and too many characters towards the end. The Agarwal family plunged from one crisis to another. The viewer plunged from boredom to frustration.

TRP high: Barring the last few months, Kahaani had been consistent with a TRP count in the region of 4 or 5. “The TRPs probably shot up the most when Parvati, given up for dead by her family, returned as Janki,” says a STAR Plus spokesperson.

TRP low: Been in the region of 2 to 2.5 over the last few months. Kahaani had a TVR rating of 2.41 and was placed 9th on the top 10 television programmes for the week ending October 4, 2008.

Buladi

Count the number of times you have cringed at a sexually explicit radio spot featuring Bengal’s favourite didi: Buladi (sorry Mamata!). Undoubtedly, a huge success story in the West Bengal government’s campaign against HIV and AIDS, the sindoor-sporting, sari-clad rag doll has been the prototype of the parar mashi, dispensing advice on sex, condoms and venereal diseases without batting an eyelid. But while the poster campaigns and hoardings haven’t been a source of much embarrassment, the radio jingle — a little too explicit on most occasions, especially the ones in which a woman complains of her man’s roving eye and a man resignedly decides to play ludo when his wife refuses sex — have left a slight stink. Polite Bengali does not really lend itself to discussing intimate matters, so when it’s only conversation, Buladi affects more. “Bury the radio spots, but keep Bula di alive,” says IT professional Gautam Dasgupta.

Priyanka Roy

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